There's alot of weird and dark things going on inside me. I see alot of strange things in my sleep paralysis. I know other people experience the same too, hence the name they've been given: "shadow people", the beings that haunts in sleep paralysis. It is something people find hard to talk about because it can be traumatizing, some even need to get medical help because of it.. But I'm fine, because it dosen't affect my life in a negative way. When I wake up, everything is back to normal. But when I'm there, it feels just as real as this.
I can't control when I will fall into sleep paralysis, and it happens alot, like generally every week since I was born. Sometimes everyday for awhile then it comes weeks apart. So safe to say, it have taken a big chunk of my life.
Am I awake?
Recently last week I woke up in sleep paralysis, and it was usual and typical., so I thought it would be a good example. It goes like this:
I went to bed and everything was fine. I was doing my nightly routine, watching Friends while falling asleep. Only 2-5 minutes later after I fell asleep I woke up, fully conscious. I try to move but my body won't. It thinks I'm sleeping. I can hear the TV and actually watch it while kind of being asleep at the same time. I hear the laughing track, the conversations between Rachel and Chandler and everything. Quickly I am realising I am in sleep paralysis' state. It is not comfortable. My heart beats fast and I can feel my brain pulsating harder everytime I try to move. Is this what coma feels like? I kick with my legs as hard as I can until I can finally move again. I'm not trapped in my body anymore and I am awake. I look at my phone and read some messages. Then, I noticed I had my drawing glove on. I've never gone to bed having my glove on before? I take it off. Underneath there was another one, and another one, and another one.... Then I realise, I'm not awake after all. I have to try waking up again...Suddeny I noticed some demons lurking in my stomach. They feel way too familiar with me, and I know how to handle it. Not like before when I was only a victim, terrified and screaming for help. No, I dragged them out of me with my bare hands, as they cling to my insides. They are yelling awful things to me, gripping my throat. I pull as hard as I can and throw them away. I yell at them, "Stay away you silly idiots. You are not welcome here. Piss off to where you came from." Because I do feel it's rude to feed of my energy without premission. The demons are still trying to get back in, but I say no. My will is stronger than theirs, I am very stubborn that way, so this was easy, it's not always this easy. They dissappear. By the way, while this is all happening in reality my body is not moving at all or making one sound.
Anyway, I easily decide to wake up for real and like always I have this prickling senseation on my lips for some reason, My body is pretty drowsy, so I usually stand up to walk around for abit to shake it off before I can get my good night's sleep.
Another memorable event was seven years ago, I forced myself awake from sleep paralysis, and went up to look around the flat. It wasn't even that late, and my housemates were gone. I went outside and all the houses were completely empty, the windows were hallow and black. No animals, no living beings around. I can hear the cold wind whistling like it was the only sound in the world. I was the last human being. When i entered a tall building I sensed something is watching me. I know it's not human, but something alike. And then the door smashes behind me really loud. I jumped and screamed. Then it all unfolds again, small unlikely situations is clues to me that this is not real, so I have to try wake up again..
These beings is what the urban legend called Shadow People is about. If you don't know what a shadow person is, it is kind of like a ghost but different. People usually meet them after falling asleep, so they might all be sort of a dream. They are a black void without a face, terrorising you with a firm grip of your mind. They don't walk like us, but float, and can dissappear in an instant. Some people see them with a hat and some see faceless demons sitting on their chest just staring at them with a strange force. I haven't seen the mysterious man in a hat or had demons sitting on top of me, but I have met some others of a similar kind. I've noticed alot of people feel helpless like I did for most of my life.
The Shadow People I meet
The reason why I call them "friends" is because not all of them are bad and I don't hear too many people talk about this side of the shadow people. It is so many of them in all kinds of shape and sizes. Yes, they come as something from a horror movie, but if the fear is in me and not forced from them, I'll put the fear aside and just listen to what they say or do. The bad ones...well it's like they are there for a meal. They feed off fear. They can be just pure evil, hence I was pissed off in the situation that I wrote about over here. Again this all might be a repetitive and scary dream thing, but hey, I'm working it while I'm there.
Some shadow people are beautiful and captivating in a comforting way. A night many years ago, I met one that came out of the top corner of my bedroom. The long black hair was floating into my room from a hole in that corner. The hair swayed like it was underwater. She climbed out from wherever she came from and then stood so tall her neck is bent under the roof. Her arms and limbs were abnormally long and thin. In the dark underneath the graceful tall ghost there were many small creatures in a black mist. Then I heard the most beautiful humming sound, like a childs choir that sung a haunting lullaby. I can still play the song in my head. They were curious about me and the room and stayed for a while. Then they left.
Maybe she was just showing her offspring our world;) This female ghost has definitly showed me a beauty that I recreate almost subconsciously in my artwork. She was powerful, motherly, and very scary in a beautiful way, and the small creatures were so cute. I don't care if it was just a dream thing, I can still bring the imagery back to reality.
Because when I wake up, all of it is over and it's a bright day. I am myself and the world around me is normal.